| I've realized something, quite recently, actually.
I'm not happy.
Well, I mean, I knew that. But I remember being happy. That's the sad part.
Sometimes when I'm with certain people, a few in particular that I got hit in the head by a fish with, I get happy. And I'm happy for a few days. But I've realized that when I'm with Brittany, I wonder where my other friends are, and when I'm with Lauren or someone, I wonder where Brittany and all of the boys we met this summer are. And no matter who I'm with, I wonder about where one person in particular is. And when I was with them, I didn't wonder where anyone was, I just existed and I was happy exactly where I was. And it's so sad because I haven't even talked to this person in several days, and even when I do talk to them, I get sad, only because I wish I could touch them again, and I know I can't. I don't even matter one bit to him, but it's almost okay because even when he makes me feel bad, at least he's giving me something. It was like watching a train wreck, watching what happened to him and listening to the stories and it was so sad but it was so pretty and he was so fortunate but life treated him like shit and all I wanted to do was be there when he was sad, watch him be sad, try to help him find happiness. I remember holding on so tight when I could because I wanted to remember that moment as long as I could.
I can't figure out who I am. I can't even decide who I want to be or who I want to be with and spend the last few nights of my summer with. But I do remember that earlier this summer, when I was around this one person, I didn't even care who I was. I was perfectly happy being whoever I was at the time, whether it be a loud, obscene, slightly insane girl who hung out with only guys, or a quiet wallflower who just wanted to watch things happen and watch him and ask him stupid questions like what his favourite flavor milkshake was. I just existed. It was something I've never really experienced before because I'd never really gotten close to anyone and I never had any intention of getting close to this person, either. And we're not even close now, and we weren't even really close then, but it doesn't even matter. I jsut remember being content and not worrying about anything and always being certain about what I wanted.
I keep having weird dreams, something recently has reminded me of this person and it won't leave me alone. I was fine for a while, trying to convince myself that it was ridiculous and stupid to get so attatched to someone in one small week, and I think I almost did, but lately I've been going insane and I feel like my chest and my head are going to explode at any moment. I'm not even being truthful to myself anymore, I keep lying to myself to make everything seem alright, and it's really pitiful.
Maybe it's the fading summer and that's what's making me so nostalgic and making me behave so strangely, but it's really painful.
Honestly, him even acknowledging me again would be good enough for me, becuase at least that would be something. I've tried to keep up a decent friendship with the boy but he just doesn't seem to want to have anything to do with me.
And I can't tell him anything like this because I'm sure he will probably stop talking to me completely, which would be so much worse than this.
Erin and I had a long talk about our summer the other night, maybe that's what triggered this.
The end.
I needed to rant. You don't have to read it. I just wanted it to be there.
Anyways, I just returned home from Brittle's house, where I partied it up with Addicus and Brittany on the last night of summer.
Okay, not really.
We didn't really party.
Friday, Brittle and I purchased three trillion pounds of food and brought it to Marcus High Schoo', where we then proceeded to eat it with Daniel, Addicus, and James. [It is Friday]
It was quite a fun adventure, especially attempting to navigate through their school back to our car.
The man who was watching the door of the cafeteria yelled at us.
"YOU CAN'T LEAVE UNTIL THE BELL RINGS"
Man, you thought we went there. Ahhah. We're good.
I hung out with Emily friday night, and met a guy named Andy.
We had fun.
We went to Springs.
We played some.
We went to Half Price Books.
I bought a Primitive Radio Gods cd for one dollar.
We went to see Rebound.
We were paranoid.
I got home late.
I enjoyed myself very much.
I hope I get to hang around her a lot this year, her and the people at the lakey, they make me very very happy.
We took pictures while we waited for the movie.
OMIGAWD GUYS!!! I MET EMILY ELBERT! SHE'S LIKE SOOOO F4M0UZZZ.
Funnn.
Saturday, we hoped to play with Daniel [he doesn't know yet, ahah], Addicus, Brittany and whoever else we decide is worthy enough to hang out with us.
Alas, it did not work out.
Alright, on to the old entry that has too many awesome pictures to go away just yet.
Everyone, I have bad news.
I was diagnosed with downsyndrome about a week ago, due to my prolonged exposure to Brittany Featherston.
I know, it's sad.
SO ANYWAYS. Now that I've gotten that out of the way.
We played with Addi and Brooke a few nights ago.
Plane in field.
Brittany, who has also, obviously, had prolonged exposure to herself, was diagnosed with downsyndrome, as well.
She's also possessed.
We're not sure by what, yet.
Preparing for battle.
Addicus assisted in the preparation.
And also Brittany's knees helped.
LINK!
Haa!! Hiyaaa!!
We returned the next day.
Oh he is so cool.
Addison head and Coke can.
James, sporting his pig pajama pants.
Faceless boy playing broken guitar.
He investigates the hole.
This is what happens when you leave me with the camera.
Then we decided we didn't like those people very much, so we left.
And went to another house where we watched That 70's Show for like an hour.
Yeah so Addison looks pretty hot there.
He ruined my picture of the sign.
That dumb Daniel.
I decided to make an independent film...in pictures... of Daniel. Because he's just that interesting.
Grand finale!!!
YEAHHH.
An action packed day.
Okay not really.
I paid Brittle a visit tonight, and we basically partied in her room.
Pretty much.
Basically.
In a nut shell.
[I miss hxc xenglishxtablex].
Oh, she is bad.
So I kick her butt.
She like.
WOW, I LOVE DOWNSYNDROME.
We basically made a porno with those pictures.
Notice the rainbow thong sitting on the box.
And we all thought she was perfectly straight.
She decided to try out her new downsyndrome powers.
But alas, she sucked.
And fell down.
I have no idea what she was looking at.
So I showed her how it was done.
And she decided to give it another shot.
Yeah, I think she got it with that one.
And decided to return to her sexy self.
HAHAHAHAHAHAH.
We're retahded.
I get to see Charlie & the Chocolate Factory tomarrow!
I am so happy.
Finally someone is taking me.
Yay me.
Okay.
Sleep now.
Sara and Emo got about 3 to 4 hours of sleep last night.
lovealways;;
sara |
